🦋''..The Path of Dreams...''💀
12 MAY 2025 - Needing The Dream - Living The Nightmare. Balancing The Inbetween. I can't afford to miss you all over again... love is my currency!
12 MAY 2025 - I can’t afford to miss you all over again!
Dear Chasers! …🦋
I’m so sorry for the previous mail I sent to you. I did enjoy the old confidence coming back a little in my writing although the subject matter slid down slope faster than I realised and maybe some of my words and opinions were a tad too raw? If you missed that one… I’m still okay to share it again.. but lessons have been learned here. I guess I was a little bit ‘careless’ - I’d like to try ‘rapture’ next.
Diary Entry 6 May 2025
There are better ways to emerge from nightmares than being told to put someone else’s socks on their feet for them. With eyes still sticky and a head full of fear and fog I try to get those fucking socks on him. Only to be slapped and kicked away with a barrage of verbal abuse about my uselessness. Tripping up over the dog to avoid sliding off the side of the bed entirely.
All because I’m ‘too stupid’ that I couldn’t be quicker or efficient enough to put his socks on for them without touching his feet! Great. At least it distracted me from the nightmare I didn’t get the chance to say I’d had. It helped me adjust from dream state to reality and being abused this way brought me back to this dimension feeling safe (in a weird way). I was out of that realm. This was me yesterday.
I’ve not even had coffee yet and here is me today:
Recovering from a bad wake up call this morning. Nothing too major. Just him dragging me out of bed to let the dog out. I said I'm fast asleep you're awake and up. He's like "yeah but I'm.doing fuck all to help you out you fat ginger slag" so I dug my heels in and refused to get up. It was 5am. I gave it 1 minute then I'd have to get up for the dog but he begrudgingly took her out and back in. It's only the back garden on a lead do she doesn't shit in the neighbours part.
Anyway it's got me on a downward spiral of thinking again. Next month we're supposed to be staying at his family's house with our dog while they're away on a 3 week cruise. I didn't know if I should go. He won't let me stay at home without our dog. So I don't know.
I'd be happy hear with her but my movements would be restricted. I wouldn't be able to meet some people who want to see me. I am also worried that I won't be able to detach from her (the dog) for me and him to split up. If she goes with him I might get used to being back alone.
Then I think will I just let myself be dragged along with waves waiting to drown as the tide goes out!
Typical Friday (is what tell my friend online) only to realise it’s still only Thursday. Great. I get to live another day longer than I had thought in this shit. All I want to do is run away with Lola (the dog)…. or even to just stay here ALONE WITH LOLA.
She has been clinging on to me but whenever he leaves the house and comes back she licks and cuddles him more than she ever does with me. He's the excitement for her and I'm the calm in the chaos. She's his dog.
I had her for 2 or 3 weeks on my own when we took her in from his sister's family because they're a bit of a loud busy bunch. 3 kids 2 adults and Lola was always getting involved , like she does here, in the arguments and drama. She's reactive because she doesn't like it. Same as here but it was harder for the busy family to deal with.
I gave her some quiet respite and when he came back in our house to meet her (I think he'd been staying at his brother's house when his brother was visiting in hospital and lost his girlfriend to breast cancer). When he returned Lola took to him so fast like she was obsessed with him. I think all animals are like that with him.
So he must be a bit of a good soul???
She needs me but wants him. Should I just count my lucky stars?
Now since that day I’ve had plenty of time to reflect as reflecting is all I seem to do. I reflect my situation. My feelings reflect my frustration. My behaviour reflects the only constant in my life which is consistent confusion. At least when I had the MUSE with me I had hope a glimpse of attraction to something different. Now my future involves misery and loneliness - if my nightmares are anything to go by. I understand this kind of dream to be a warning and that is where the woo in me ends. I wish that I had enough kind of faith in the sort of literature that if I read up about my dreams, I could make some sense of them.
MY DREAM: pulling my Mum’s glove off, after her chasing me all night in my dreams trying to kill me, and watching as shards of dried bloody grey splintered bones dropped out from each of the glove’s finger. Mum smirking at me when I ask are those my bones?
I woke up in the middle of the night and this part of the dream was fresh in my head, even though I hadn’t got out of bed until I had finished running through the underground sewer tunnels lined with flat red tiled bricks. A place where we used to play back in the day called the Red River with all its ghost stories and historical deaths attached to it. I’d face my fears there without a sign or a word to anyone that I had the fear. I practised my risk taking ability and the way I navigated through life as a young adult, every time I’d tie a frayed blue nylon rope thing round a skinny branch of a tree. Tight enough to not come undone (idiot brains here not aware that the branch could still snap). I’d swing across the river and back on it. Let myself be the brains behind it and the ‘lab rat’ / guinea pig too. I had dreams of being it all. I could do all and anything.
It reminds me of a story about a bird who didn’t know he could fly.
A little robin, nestled on a high oak branch, had never learned to fly. Confined to the tree's familiar embrace, he believed he was simply a creature of the ground, unable to soar. A wise old owl, observing the robin from a distance, realised the bird's potential and sought to show him the truth.
Waking in the middle of the night with the dream still with me. I was disoriented by it. I went to the bathroom and felt it’s heavy presence clinging on to me. I looked around but the shadows in the dark room in front of me sent shivers down my spine. I actually remember looking down at my hands to check if I had pulled something out of the dream with me. I don’t know what I was expecting to find; fingers missing, blood on my hands, Mum’s glove void of bones, or Freddy Kruger’s fucking hat! I was shitting myself to be honest here.
I told myself to lay off the cheese and crack in future but in all seriousness, it was probably a couple of nights after the beer blackout. Now that was mentioned in this newsletter (I think but can’t recall entirely). Lets just check.
Also you might like something a little more ‘wholesome’ from me when I was feeling more vulnerable the other day. Either way I have decided to change path.
I’d like to see you again but it’s a guilt my conscience is too clean to carry. I wish I could stop pretending that it couldn’t have been love for you or it wouldn’t have mattered that you’d threw me under the bus.
I mean all you did was call me out, get the wrong end of the stick about me, mince your words, say misleading things, talk about me behind my back, call me fucking narcissist (that - I am looking into and may well be a covert type - however I am not aware yet!). All these minor little things are not a stitch on the evil bullshit I let my boyfriend get away with. I just never expected it from you - BEFORE WE MET - for fucks sake dude, somebody did a number on you. You were receiving the advice from an unclean source. Whoever told you to treat me that way they had a back plan. Hope you’re happy though (and they are too?!). Water under the bridge.. xx
On that note. I’m busy. I will post this out for now and come back soon. Anyone new here… PLEASE SUBSCRIBE / FOLLOW. Everyone is welcome. I love you!! x
All for your aMUSEment,
best wishes,
Chasey💀Delaney…. x
FREE MIXTAPE JOURNEY MADE BY CHASEY DELANEY x
