🦋''My Love & Other Particular Evils''💀
31 MAY 2025 - I guess I'm back but on my own. My own terms. Loving you from afar. Loving you with all my heart. x INCLUDES: FREE PDF BOOK & MIXTAPE.x
31 MAY 2025 - My ‘Crystal’ Anniversary… Me(t)h!*
*playing on words like meh, pun intended,
Dear Chasers! …🦋
Zombied him! Fuuuuuuck! Why did I hit Subscribe? Why do I feel safe all a sudden just by hitting a stupid ‘UNWELCOME’ fucking button. I might allow myself ‘in’ again. On my own terms, IN MY OWN LANE, no contact, nothing. I need to be in “it’s so much better, when everyone is in - are you in!” (lyrics) Well, it’s like an addict’s fix. I’m sure just one drink, one hit, just the tip won’t hurt a bit? hahaha…I feel it already, the adrenaline opposite of anxiety. Bubbles, fizzing admiration, rekindling love with undertones of grief, cock musk and weight replaced back on my shoulders.
Already, she’s fucked. Remember when the butterflies were fresh and free and not annoying me, fluttering through me like a dodgy burrito (??) - for the record I shall never ever taste a burrito in my entire life. He knows why. Well, for a free-falling time when he stroked my soul for the first time, it kind of opened a trapdoor in my heart that made room for letting in all kinds of fuckery. Like long haired freaky people, short drunks, and stupid Pop music! I know yeah needed to give my head a wobble. I really did open the floodgates like a sluice. It was like a plug had been pulled. This Zombie one was the first that come to mind that time.
Now it’s back…., ,annoyingly so, like you in my life. I am the human equivalent to herpes or a rash. You my friend are like cock cheese. I love the consistency, the commitment, the space it gives. Like it’ll go away for a while but you know its never too far away and when it does return it brings that comfort of familiarity.
I guess I could be the only person in the world who writes about love to some kind of enemy (he hates me The MUSE) who compares thee to a lump of cock cheese! For a while there it wouldn’t have been a compliment. Only I would never bring myself to actually hate him (especially as he would have loved that!). I didn’t become another one of his ‘enemies’ and in reality I know that he doesn’t think so highly of me to call me his* I know he doesn’t think of me at all now. If he ever did let me cross his mind the thought would most definitely, automatically be tailgated with a shake of the head and a roll of those sexy eyes.
*enemy (or actually HIS.. which might’ve been nice (for me)).
I feel a bit like I’m on a mini-comedown now. I had to turn his video off for a while because I really did not want to get caught watching him again. It was only a couple of hours ago where I logged into an old abandoned YouTube account of mine on our bedroom TV just by accident to stick some background ambiance on screen whilst I read. When the person I live with returned to that room, I left and he checked my recent searches. ‘
HIM: ‘‘What the fuck are you searching Beardy-Boy for again!?!!’’
ME: ‘‘What? I fucking haven’t looked at him for ages now!’’
HIM: ‘‘Well fucking don’t’’
ME: *thinks* hmmmn… did someone just say DON’T do it? I know…
….and, oh look! Here we are again. I’m not blaming that happening or him. It’s just a weird day and weird things happen to weird people on weird days. Did you know that all day it has been kinda warm and fuzzy in England. Manchester (which is the North West of England) especially had some sort of yellow haze.
The TV weather girl (not my favourite one who I call ‘my girl’) the other one. The one that seems to have been sensationally, very heavily pregnant for at least the past seven years straight! She said something along the lines of us (the UK) experiencing debris of splashes or remnants or ashes; some sort of climate transferal, interference from somewhere or something in Canada???
As you can see, I hardly pay too much attention to the content so much as wondering how large her fucking fanny must be and weather or not her immediate family tree hangs like a weeping willow? come to think of it does her vagina hang that same way?
I have a one-track mind which isn’t unremarkable for a one-trick pony twat like me! As I was trying to understand or listen to the weather stuff. I did hear that so far as OUR weather being affected this way during the day, on the upside (us Brits love to look on the bright-side of everything don’t we?) on the fucking up side we will be honored with extra BRIGHT, RED, ORANGE deepened shades of sun as it sets this evening.
That does delight me somewhat. I even stepped outside around that time and looked up at the coral skies. Gorgeously framed by dutty gray buildings, pilons and planes, and small pointy objects; which could have been Bats (or I heard in a poem that sometimes Swallows are mistaken for Bats too). It’s from a book of poetry recently released called Small Pointy Things by Erica McAlpine. The sunset was great here anyway. Didn’t take a photo, couldn’t be arsed with it because it was so damn delicious and bittersweet too; any time I see something beautiful - I think of you (The MUSE). I’m sorry if this annoys or confuses you.
Here’s my previous post if you’d like to recap on how far I’ve come (or not!) as the case may be.. x
The Wheels Are Still Turning.
For want of clarity.. a note to The MUSE : we still have closure. If nothing in you ever opened, then you have nothing to lose and have nothing left open to close. For me it was different and by now I hope you have worked it all out. Correctly this time …perrlllllease ?x!
Are you alright though?
Notes taken absent minded while listening to your LIVE.
In a few moments or your generic small talk I get asked most of all those stupid sentimental questions that nobody ever asks me but if they did would make me feel seen and interesting again. You sound solemn. I died inside my headphones with you tonight. You make me pinch my lips together with my thumb and forefinger which still smell sweet like refresher bars that I never got a chance to touch you with to finger your beard and head to impress you with somehow?
You should be there with me. I’ve missed this. Nobody provides me with the stimulation that I derive from listening to you leak your life on live streams. I want you for real. How do I tell you this? Like Hello! Do you mind if I fucking obsess over you again? Do you wanna come hang out in my dreams sometime? Can you please keep me awake looking at the ceiling in bed every night. Eyes wide open like windows to the soul. Lights on nobody is home.
What I’m reading?
(I just finished The Shining! a fucking mampeeee (BIG) 500 page book, I think its the thickest thing I’ve been through this side of the decade! ;) - I only read it because I was excited about reading Doctor Sleep. Now, I’m not so sure or inclined to continue (BUT I WILL) even though, I feel like a traitor reading your arch nemesis.
Well, anyone who is a foe of my friends is also a foe of mine! LOL
I felt guilty and naughty and fuck you and wrong every time I read the author’s name ha-ha! Not that you’d be bothered but it was also a dig in the eye and a nod too how simply stupid and ridiculous you are sometimes. You’d tell yourself that you wouldn’t wanna fuck me, regardless you find me hideous and all the rest of it, but even if you were attracted to someone (me) you’d block and ghost me if you spotted a SK book on my shelf! Like I spotted a MASSIVE BLACK COCK DILDO looking silloutte on your back shelf on a live stream.. PMSL hahahaha
FOR THE RECORD IT WASN’T ONE OF THOSE THINGS I THOUGHT IT WAS - but in my Land-o-Lands I’d never even heard of a comforter for a MAN or WOMAN. I’d heard of toddlers and babies having a blanket called a comforter. It’s mental. He went mad at me called ME childish for considering it was some kind of kink :P
Bless him. Back to this way of thinking. He’d be so petty like; ‘Oh well, you say. I’m a Pisces … don’t choo knooo every PISCES hates Stephen King’ fuck off with your labels dude. You’re a cunt (but do you dine out on that fact all the time?) Sometimes you sound like I used to. Pisces being your get-out-clause for bad behavior. Disclaimers for the chance you might fuck up or fuck off aborting mission on some project of person who wants and needs you more than you care to consider.
‘‘I couldn’t possibly break bread with a water sign, what’s that you say Chasey baby? You’re an earth sign, oh well maybe I’ll consider just let me go shuffle my dick.. urm deck and I’ll be right back!’ I understand he didn’t fancy me or anything. I get that. I’m just saying…. the guy’s all prissy and still lays blame for his badass ways on a fucking fish-named sign of the Zodiac.
It was like me with my Ginger head as a kid. ‘‘well im ginger that’s why I have a terrible temper! don’t fuck with me” and when I got a little bit older and more confident it would turn to this, “i fuck so good because I’m a redhead! fuck me” - then when I got all fat, haggard, old and battered it became; “I’m so sorry for being so stupid or sad or disgusting or I’m sorry for saying sorry for nothing, It’s my Schizophrenia, sorry, goodbye - Oh I LOVE YOU, so sowwy!” hahah See! /…
I am currently reading a weird one though.. To do Inner-Work on myself. :P
The Collected Works of St. John of The Cross (CLICK HERE FOR FREE PDF)
What I had for breakfast: Mackerell in Spicy Sauce! (joking, that’s one I told you to try for brekky, knowing you had a penchant for FISH LOL). I actually had fish fingers, chips and mushy peas for ‘breakfast’ well the first thing I ate today. Usually, I have been drinking water for breakfast, then Noodles, Scotch Bonnets, Soy Sauce and Melting CHEESE! 3 x instant noodle packs (as just my portion) greedy As FUCK. I don’t reccomend this to anyone unless you’re tired and had no sleep the night before because this carby concoction shall crash you out for a few hours more.
What I’m doing now?
Giving Up or Giving In (to my own desires) ….letting you in apparently!
What have I done today?
Been booted in the leg before breakfast. Later that day discovered today 31 May 2025 is our OFFICIAL crystal wedding* anniversary. Marks being (unmarried) so had to swerve the meth! LOL be about the closest thing he’d ever present to me a present. 15 years - get less for the murder! ;) Nod to my mate who said something along those lines as well.
Big Kisses to you my man. Sorry I sort of slid back down this slippery slope and found my HOME again in loving The MUSE there’s a cunt-shaped hole in my heart that only he can fill for a minute or two (if I’m lucky! that’d be what he says!). He masks it up somehow. I’m going in this at face value, not future planning, projecting, dreaming, wishing, - none of that. I will just do a Venus in Furs and absorb all of that love I have for him, privately, from the shadows without a word. In other ways it probably means wanking off to his fierce face, porn voice, dirty words watching his TikToks on my own toilet time! See this post for the info behind the TikTok Shitter! (and other recent musings.. x)
Yeah, I got fucked up on my official 15 year anniversary. I’ve been dining out on that sentence (length of time) for about 5 years already. I guess I might start rattling in on about how I have been a deluded little dickhead for TWENTY years now. Ooh look at me living the HIGH life, literally. Clever Chasey; well done me for holding onto to an Abusive Sexless Relationship for so long… and what a fucking FINANCIAL superstar you are for supplying the parasite with every last penny you every had and got and get.. OH fuck… it’s enough to make you wet init!
That’s been my day. That is my life. Who can blame me for turning to a professional manipulator who looks fit, sounds cool, talks a load of shit, and does so many little tiny tid-bit things that would fit perfectly into my life. He’s a bit of me! Particular Evil. xx
*Anyone new here?… PLEASE SUBSCRIBE / FOLLOW. Everyone is welcome. BIG soft HUGS !! x
“For a lack of attention a thousand forms of loveliness elude us everyday”
Evelyn Underhill
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All for your aMUSEment,
best wishes,
Chasey💀Delaney…. x
FREE MIXTAPE JOURNEY MADE BY CHASEY DELANEY x
