Loveless Legends, Lossless Lessons & The Imagination Network.
3 OCTOBER 2024 - IN MEMORY OF THAT MUSE. HERE'S TO THE NEW...Xx
“I’ve just hitchhiked across hell. Real hell. Not the one with fires burning everywhere and men with horns listening to heavy metal. No, the one where you think: is this LOVE over? “
I’m a LOVE junkie. I’ve got Ali Baba’s cave for brains, crammed so full my eye sockets could burst. I’m never deterred, even when people ghost me or try to slow me down with one liners like ‘I can’t fix you, I can’t even fix myself’ - who the fuck says I need fixing??? Not me, all I need is to get away from people who are destroying my life. That’s not you. So, why did I have to leave? Because, I wasn’t OK. Even though you told me I am. You said I was OK and I believed you. When I needed you the most, just one word good, bad or ugly; you turned Ghost.
There’s a firecracker in my heart and lava flowing in my veins. I’m always on the lookout for the electric spasm of LOVE. I don’t know how else to live. I’ve always dreamed about being a superhero. To save myself, more than anything else. But annihilating my own demons would be too easy; the truth is I need them. Kill them and I kill myself.
I’ve done my fucking damnedest to be a stoic, hard-heart fighter, a music manipulater, a semi-poet, a wild-animal impersonator, an illusionist, like you, [rockstar, film-maker, solopreneur shitbag], angel, bitch, sexy, mysterious, open, honest, needy little fuckhead, halfway house cocaine junkie, fitness freak, solicitor’s slut, trying to be like me; semi-writer, fake fuck boy, and a devourer of people with skin like freshly tossed pancakes; now I’m a schizophrenic, insomniac, anxiously exhausted from believing it all. Like, I was taking the piss… out of myself.
Then I found myself, because I’d found YOU! My creative bulimia reached new heights when I lost my Dad, my lust for life, my partner’s interest; and it hasn’t stopped rising. We all have crutches to lean on; mine are fucking spinning tops. The rules are simple; don’t stop, apply the breaks sparingly and, above all don’t allow yourself to be confined; literally or figuratively. Messing about creatively is a great way to earn a living. Rock n Roll is an oasis of adrenaline for lost children, add friction to combustible emotions and we’re away. Yes, you know this sounds more like YOU than it does me. I lived, daydreamed, breathed you but I am but a silly dragon who breathes fire and burns her own wings.
I saw you and loved you. I saw other things on the horizon I saw a desire in your eyes for gentler things. I thought I could be your gentle, instead you made me your genital - ‘cunt’. Recently, our communication has concertinaed with the final flap reading “do yourself a favour and politely FUCK OFF”. I am so proud to be the owner of that one goodbye. Not just a holiday for two going separate ways. Still I get more sleep these days. Not much sunshine in my life, but plenty of frenzied relief (with having a spotless mind).
