An Abstraction of The Imagination.

5 January 2025

It still feels the same way. Like Building Your Own Prison. I will love you from a distance, as a welcome distraction and a bit of pussy poppin eye candy for the wank bank. You need to put out more. Show AND TELL. I know your story.

You push people away. You push and avoid anything you want the most.

Do you fucking want me? You DON’T want all this?..LOL

I have been trying not to manifest this happening because if we should ever meet and fall in love, I am not strong enough to handle that kind of pain. I have this subhuman focus on channelling these feelings of innate loneliness and fear into other people, finding reasons to blame and having places to put them in whenever I have no idea from where there came let alone to where they should or might really belong.

I never want to put my fear and pain into you, which is why I don’t respond well - as all pleasure comes from the path of torment* and pain - we shall get to this (*) later - I feel like I should be deriving some form of painfulness from lack of interpretation, consideration and apparently no existence whatsoever of any reciprocation. I usually dwell in the depths of despair (hungering on the throbbing hurt, not only within my heart), thrashing it out at times of frustration and heat between the sheets of my darkness, my mind and the dank dewy blanket of my existence.

None of which would even matter a misty mildew or thought on the walls you put up against me. My memories are rising mould in the midst of your own obsessive fantasy, you have exactly what your expected, what you created, what I used to crave and feast upon until that fateful day I let the Gods of advertising lead me on.. down the garden path. I relinquished my restraint on choice and free will.. I clicked on the clouds of my own fate and it illuminated a light over you which like a flame to a moth, I found you waiting.

Game. I chased you down the rabbit warren of worried uncertainties. I found you crawling around that cave of a delirium, drinking me in and jerking me out, up and away. I found you in the epitome of something you gave your weight in gold and won a fortune load of ‘I told you so’s had you have placed a bet on those odds. You designed the destiny upon which destroyed you, so much you quit.

There I was. I am now so close to where you have been. I feel the shit in my hand growing warmer as I want to let go and launch it at the fan. I couldn’t chose you. I can’t. I am insane and I already have arguments against you should we fall in love one day. I already have compiled a list of faults with you that I have decided will be the backbone of our relationship, they make you stronger and easier for me to despise you should we ever love each other deeply.

I have a whole arsenal of things to hate you for - your being presents so many more arseholes that only those we share. Let alone the way you first treated me where no excuses, will carry a note. No turn for rhyme or reason. Did I spell that correctly? Who Cares? You do. I know it. As an experienced, prodigy at schizophrenic behaviours; I am not accepting signals or signs the way in which I would (or should do) but please do not get me wrong. I could be feel JOY and happy with or without you, but there’s a DIVISION of love that for me is forever unattainable outside the perimeters of my own imagination and obsessive mind.

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Should you have ever had spelt it out TO me, you would have got me. That would have been so wrong. I need a place to hide my fear in and you are far too easy to do that to, too beautiful and perfect I would want to keep you exactly as you are. To love you would be too greedy of me. You make me want to relinquish my soul.

‘Take me as I am or Kill mE - because, I won’t ever CHANGE’’

A paraphrased QUOTE by Marcus de Sade

I won’t ever change; I will always carry my pain on some other fuckers shoulders. On their head or heart so be it. Never yours. You are much too fragile and fierce and you like to play grown. I am too much of a indoors soul, whereas you are forever in the meadow planting seeds for the gardener of your heart, or guardians you let in via your dick and mouth.. your tongue the employer. Their pussy earns your paycheck, their eyelids gain your kisses as a contract for then to come along, as part of their role and responsibilities, set out by you.. they are given all the tools, the shears, the mowing machine (lawnmower) , clippers, hedge trimmers.. every fucking tool in the shed of sex and sensuality to fuck up your crops… all because you love with your mind, you trust with your cock, you are like a row of fucking tulips stood to attention.

Fucking all the daffodils — I fear not, I am that one fuck-off forget-me-not staring up at your tall balls and wish to fuck and love you forever. I might not pay enough attention to your projections, sucking the seeds you sow (just to spit them out, like the girls do,they suck up your arse over your art but then realise they can’t compete to it, they compare you, your stupid limp heart and your hot fiery cock to your art. they spit you out when you don’t live up to anything they have pinned on you). Lest not forget my little poppy solider of a stud.

I fell in love with you NOT because you are wonderful, supreme, superstar, or superior being. I feel you. I see you in me (your dick.. I do have superficial aspirations too.. I’m only human) but because I see me in you too (fuuuuuck… I’m trying to say something different but now that terrible flooding and thudding is back between my thighs). You act like I think. And you’re hot… but darling. Don’t overthink it. I never do. I love you. *this is the torment I still sign up for (*) THIS.

I love you too much to do anything about it now., i’m sure I’ve left my mark on you. I certainly picked you back up and passed you a screw or two or a nail for the wood that formed the picket fence around your confidence. We build these walls on //// fill in the blanks . I love you, you are soul. You are so fucked up and good to look at and arrogance is your virtue. I could blame you for everything. I could put my loneliness on you. I could make you the dark thunder and clouds that I am afraid of. I can take my fear away from him and infidelity and stick it on you.

‘Nobody would ever know, all I do consistently is re-home my abandoned soul.’

A QUOTE by ME (Chasey Delaney_ ) You Fuckin’ Idiot LOL x

I love you too much to change places, to jump ship, to force you into hating me more. To take the chance on you never loving me. What’s worse than you hating me is you falling in love with me. I used to think there’s no way. Now I know.

NO DRUGS WERE HARMED IN THE WRITING PROCESS OF THIS.. IT’S WHAT I’M BEST AT … PURE SUBCONSCIOUSNESS. I ONLY EVER TUNE INTO LIFE THROUGH THE LENS OF LOOKING THROUGH YOU, LICK ME LIPS N STICK ME TO THE WINDOW. ps: i forget what sex looks, tastes, feels, sounds like. xxx