🦋''..A Circle In The Sand...''💀
18 to 28 MAY 2025 - A Collection of Thoughts
18 MAY 2025 - (posted on 28 MAY 2025)
Dear Chasers! …🦋
I hope this finds you when the night it over. I pray this finds you well and by pray I mean hope really hard whilst clenching my arse-cheeks shut. I’m typing this with a tight jaw and as the words begin to pour, hopefully both will slacken.
Since you’ve been gone, I have been reallocating the blame for all my pain back to myself and reassessing the way I play my hand in this daft ‘half life’ game I’m still ‘playing’ like a puzzle or a chore. Doesn’t feel like life anymore. Its funny how I used to summon up logic to rid you from my mind back in time.
These days its you who I summon to keep the demons at bay. It was only this afternoon that I was remembering the shape of your mouth and how long I had craved and waited to patiently for the day I’d get to kiss it. Oh those were the days when everything felt easy, carefree and the possibility of love with you made me dream and believe that anything was possible (and that my poems were good!).
I left poetry on the back-burner for a while and my knack for pushing my shit out there as poems, has fizzled out. Check out my most recent attempt. Unedited, stream of consciousness. Written in a rush and recited (badly!) in audio form for good measure. Nothing much good shall or should come from this endeavour.
I’ve not been doing very well but thanks for not asking or caring because occasionally I am on top of the fucking moon experiencing the world from a different kind of darkness, once so dark it illuminates the light corners of my mind with visions of you and me together.
Like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fucking fire - what a disaster that’d have been. That’d be all I needed to help heal the bruised ego, heal the pieces of me that were teared like flesh from the bone to expose the most human parts of me, so colourless like stone - revealing that I am nothing but the organic matter that is us all and I am rotten; have you forgotten everything I ever told you about myself?
Did you do a mass delete on the 28,000 emails you said you received from .. urm… me? In which one of those did I come across to you as not genuine or authentic, as self assured, as cocky, as cold? I think in all 33 or so responses I ever received back - YOU were all of those and worse, so harsh in kind words it stings like a slap in the balls. You should know right?
I hurt where you hurt only I’m not so equip to process the pain as you are.
Here’s my previous post if you’d like to recap on how far I’ve come (or not!) as the case may be.. x
The Fear Has Exhausted Me Now.
Again, this was never about you (The MUSE) it’s about me now reflecting on when I had access to the ability to love and see the good in people like you.
Now all I see are tired men with lies to sell and less backbone, a skinless soul and lazy libido is all you have to offer as a reward unworthy of my gaze, or my time and not enough thought worth swallowing the truth for anymore.
*Anyone new here?… PLEASE SUBSCRIBE / FOLLOW. Everyone is welcome. BIG soft HUGS !! x
28 MAY 2025 - It’s All About The Chase, Bout The Chase, No MUSE (just a bit!) x
So since 18 May 2025 and a short break through no fault or plan of my own - it was an actual break - my old, long suffering Chromebook packed in. Died. I haven’t thought much about love or longing for The MUSE. Love hasn’t really been on my radar either so I’m beginning to wonder what all the actual fuss has been about with me chasing it for so long. I mean surely there are more important things to worry about in life than loving and being loved. We come into this world being loved (well some of us do - me NOT included but that’s neither here nor there!) but we all go out having loved or loving someone or something (hopefully even loving ourselves - at least I hope that’s an option).
I always like to come back to this place first when returning from being an ‘absent writer’. I feel this is still my safe place, my soft spot. My home.
Saying that though, I’ve also made my ‘home’ very niched. I’m supposed to write to or about The MUSE and inspirations, daydreams and nothing at all about personal news and the like, so on that note. Fuck it. I’ll write somewhere else for now. Get this one out the way. It’s been sitting in my drafts for so long. My fingers are only now adjusting to the new keyboard anyway. Its been a long day.
Thank you for reading.. Check out my main profile. HERE
All for your aMUSEment,
best wishes,
Chasey💀Delaney…. x
FREE MIXTAPE JOURNEY MADE BY CHASEY DELANEY x
